...

I feel terrible. I don't know why. I want the earth to open up and swallow me just so i wouldn't have to think about it. It's 2243hours and i really should be getting home but I can't bring myself to leave work. It's depressing to walk into an empty house. Well not really empty, my housemate and her boyfriend would be around, asleep, but this feeling of loneliness descends and seems to engulf me the minute I step foot into the place. I' ve spent an hour IM-ing a friend who's all the way in Australia, and the last 47 minutes reading old e-mails, some dating back to the year 2000. So now I've made things worse. I not only feel terrible, i'm also nostalgic and missing the days of yore. The days where nothing was complicated, you kept in touch with friends wherever they were in the world and the future was about which set of songs we'd be jamming next week, and getting through our finals. If only it were possible to just close my eyes and wish myself back 4 years. I'm not sure if I was happiest then but it sure as hell seems like it right now. How is it possible to have so many friends and yet feel so desperately lonely? Does everyone feel that way? When you move away from your country, from your childhood friends, will you ever feel at home again? I never felt homesick upon moving here, probably because I was never that far away to start with, and I was happy. But I'm beginning to feel like I don't belong anymore. I don't feel anchored. What if I'll never as happy as I want to be in a foreign country that I'm willing to leave everything else for and start over?

I can't think anymore. I think I better go home now...